Wednesday, December 23, 2009

TJM Rides (Writes) Again!

I guess I'm on a roll for here I am again. There's work to do (I'm at the office) but I'm procrastinating because it means sorting out a wee bit of a mess.

I've learned a great deal about myself during this painful year of change. I am idealistic, optimistic, and not too concerned about details. My moon is in Sagittarius. My love archetype is builder. I love sports (who knew?) and I'm happiest when I spend time outdoors, preferably with kids or animals. There's still a lot to learn and, like the thing with details, once I learn something about myself then I can begin to adapt and become better.

This year has also offered the opportunity to do new things, like have a real Christmas tree and use dryer sheets. I live alone 38% of the time; moved into an adorable duplex in the student ghetto almost single-handedly (thanks for moving the big stuff dad!); and made an offer on a house of my own all by myself. Apparently I'm becoming an independent woman.

My friends have taken on a more prominent role in my life, as I knew they would if I was going to make it across this bridge. Facebook helped me connect with others even when I felt otherwise alone. I started texting this past year (late to the party but here finally) and just this week figured out how to twitter from my phone. Follow me at mamamcarrie.

Also, for someone so completely open, I realize some things are very private. Or I am a bit shy. Or I just haven't dated in 15 years. But some things are harder to talk about than others. Even though those things are easy to experience and fill me with happiness. So, anyhoo, maybe I'll keep on as the Jolly Mama, now that I really am kinda the sort of happy-go-lucky person that would create a persona called the Jolly Mama. Life is good!

Kubler-Ross and my life lately

So, in the past year, I've found it strikingly interesting that I started a blog with an article from the NYTimes about fighting with your mate, highlighting a quote about how a man fights with his wife literally breaking her heart. And here I am today: divorced. It wasn't always what Brett said that destroyed the marriage, or even the *how* (although being screamed into submission is not ideal), it was that I could NEVER win. It was about what I couldn't say. Silence. I suggest seeing the movie Waitress to anyone who is confused about what emotional abuse is, or where it leads. The party line, however, is that we just weren't right for each other. Which is true. But I didn't need to be a fortune teller to know that eventually his massive anger was going to give way. What does any of this have to do with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross? She is the psychologist who identified the seven stages of grief, and that is what I have been experiencing for the past year. I don't know if all of my emotions have necessarily been identical to the ones she classified. I've been so angry that I'm divorced. That I have to share my children, and I go days without them next to me. That I tried and tried and tried to be a cool wife and was always shut out. That what was lovely about me, my desire to be a helpmate, was rejected or looked upon with suspicion. So, this is not the life I wanted... but it is the life I have. I need to learn from these experiences and move along. Ironically, I still want to be married, just to somebody who fights warmly, who is tender, and who can appreciate what is lovely about me. Please note that I am tempted NOT to publish this post only because I'm afraid of what will happen if I do and Brett reads it. I'm hoping that acknowledging what broke the marriage will be cathartic and thus propel me into acceptance. I am idealistic and want the best for both of us. I pursued a collaborative divorce rather than a court battle. In every interaction with him, I am polite and giving (bring the kids back an hour late? sure). Yet I'm still shocked when my sweetness is met with hostility. I cried all day yesterday because he told me that I need to be nicer when I ask for things from him. To contextualize: he has not removed my name from the mortgage at the house where I am barely welcome (in fact one terrible night this summer when I wanted to walk my dog, the interaction ended with him pushing me out of the house and threatening to call the police; and my collaborative attorney suggested I apologize! which of course I did because I'm a good girl who does what she is told). Anyway, I want to buy a home where Griffin and Bela can have their own space and room to play. I crave the security of home ownership, of knowing at least one thing about my uncertain future. But, does any of that matter? He is in a relationship now with somebody I suspect he was in love with for awhile before the divorce but, whatever, maybe that explains the nastiness. I certainly like the idea that he was unhappy because he wanted to be with somebody else better than him being an abusive jerk and me a stupid victim. So, maybe we can both move on, get past the anger, and put the kids first? We'll see. It's hard to get past the anger when he keeps pushing my buttons.