TJM Rides (Writes) Again!

I guess I'm on a roll for here I am again. There's work to do (I'm at the office) but I'm procrastinating because it means sorting out a wee bit of a mess.

I've learned a great deal about myself during this painful year of change. I am idealistic, optimistic, and not too concerned about details. My moon is in Sagittarius. My love archetype is builder. I love sports (who knew?) and I'm happiest when I spend time outdoors, preferably with kids or animals. There's still a lot to learn and, like the thing with details, once I learn something about myself then I can begin to adapt and become better.

This year has also offered the opportunity to do new things, like have a real Christmas tree and use dryer sheets. I live alone 38% of the time; moved into an adorable duplex in the student ghetto almost single-handedly (thanks for moving the big stuff dad!); and made an offer on a house of my own all by myself. Apparently I'm becoming an independent woman.

My friends have taken on a more prominent role in my life, as I knew they would if I was going to make it across this bridge. Facebook helped me connect with others even when I felt otherwise alone. I started texting this past year (late to the party but here finally) and just this week figured out how to twitter from my phone. Follow me at mamamcarrie.

Also, for someone so completely open, I realize some things are very private. Or I am a bit shy. Or I just haven't dated in 15 years. But some things are harder to talk about than others. Even though those things are easy to experience and fill me with happiness. So, anyhoo, maybe I'll keep on as the Jolly Mama, now that I really am kinda the sort of happy-go-lucky person that would create a persona called the Jolly Mama. Life is good!

Kubler-Ross and my life lately

So, in the past year, I've found it strikingly interesting that I started a blog with an article from the NYTimes about fighting with your mate, highlighting a quote about how a man fights with his wife literally breaking her heart. And here I am today: divorced. It wasn't always what Brett said that destroyed the marriage, or even the *how* (although being screamed into submission is not ideal), it was that I could NEVER win. It was about what I couldn't say. Silence. I suggest seeing the movie Waitress to anyone who is confused about what emotional abuse is, or where it leads. The party line, however, is that we just weren't right for each other. Which is true. But I didn't need to be a fortune teller to know that eventually his massive anger was going to give way. What does any of this have to do with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross? She is the psychologist who identified the seven stages of grief, and that is what I have been experiencing for the past year. I don't know if all of my emotions have necessarily been identical to the ones she classified. I've been so angry that I'm divorced. That I have to share my children, and I go days without them next to me. That I tried and tried and tried to be a cool wife and was always shut out. That what was lovely about me, my desire to be a helpmate, was rejected or looked upon with suspicion. So, this is not the life I wanted... but it is the life I have. I need to learn from these experiences and move along. Ironically, I still want to be married, just to somebody who fights warmly, who is tender, and who can appreciate what is lovely about me. Please note that I am tempted NOT to publish this post only because I'm afraid of what will happen if I do and Brett reads it. I'm hoping that acknowledging what broke the marriage will be cathartic and thus propel me into acceptance. I am idealistic and want the best for both of us. I pursued a collaborative divorce rather than a court battle. In every interaction with him, I am polite and giving (bring the kids back an hour late? sure). Yet I'm still shocked when my sweetness is met with hostility. I cried all day yesterday because he told me that I need to be nicer when I ask for things from him. To contextualize: he has not removed my name from the mortgage at the house where I am barely welcome (in fact one terrible night this summer when I wanted to walk my dog, the interaction ended with him pushing me out of the house and threatening to call the police; and my collaborative attorney suggested I apologize! which of course I did because I'm a good girl who does what she is told). Anyway, I want to buy a home where Griffin and Bela can have their own space and room to play. I crave the security of home ownership, of knowing at least one thing about my uncertain future. But, does any of that matter? He is in a relationship now with somebody I suspect he was in love with for awhile before the divorce but, whatever, maybe that explains the nastiness. I certainly like the idea that he was unhappy because he wanted to be with somebody else better than him being an abusive jerk and me a stupid victim. So, maybe we can both move on, get past the anger, and put the kids first? We'll see. It's hard to get past the anger when he keeps pushing my buttons.

Yuletide Greetings

The real countdown has begun. Christmas is in a mere three days. Shopping days have been reduced to two.
Today after daycare I will take Griffin and Bela out shopping for gifts for daddy and the caregivers. Brett and I have ruled out the notion of giving each teacher the equivalent of one week's worth of care. Such expected tipping was the topic of conversation on All Things Considered last week.
Split three ways, just for Bela, this would equal $70 each for Siony, Branden, and Leah. While they are certainly worth every penny, and we would love to make their merry days merrier, this is a wee bit excessive for our family.
I read something great in Body + Soul magazine yesterday about the wisdom of giving more than one actually has. Giving 'til it hurts is not very zen. In fact, I think the entire December issue discusses the Buddhist idea of attachment in relation to holiday giving. Attachment to the idea of the perfect gift is restrictive.
And perhaps it is why the shoppers at Target this Saturday and last were acting either crazed or dazed. Good manners seem to have fallen by the snowy wayside lately.
There was a great article about my favorite holiday movie, It's A Wonderful Life on nytimes.com this weekend. The movie airs Wednesday, Dec. 24 on NBC. The meaning of the film for moi is that if your children didn't exist, nothing else would really matter. Or something... This was also the feeling I had at the end of Break Up with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston.
Griffin turned six last week. Besides a big birthday party with fifteen of his best pals at Jumpin' Jax Bounce House, we celebrated his actual birthday with lunch at school together and a Christmas Concert at the High School. I have lived my entire life to sit in the audience of a holiday program. Truly. I nearly cried with sentiment.
Bela is beginning to potty train. She has tinkled on the potty several times now and picked out Dora and princess panties. Woohoo! I can't wait to live without diapers.
Yesterday we went to visit Santa and I got to practice non-attachment. It was to be my last gasp at a holiday picture that I could send to family members, big and small, near and far. All day long, Bela asked about HIM, but when we finally got to the mall she cried and hid her face. I think the sight of the big man, talking and looking oh-so-real, freaked her out. It happens. This is the same Santa, however, whose lap she sat on at three months wearing an overflowing cloth diaper. We didn't even pay for the picture package that year...
I am blogging from my office which made this funny article strike a little close to home. Read this day-in-the-life of an office slacker. Very funny! Now back to work until lunchtime when I plan to go shopping.

40 Shopping Days Left

It looks as if Santa will NOT be bringing this lovely little home-away-from-home to our house for baby bling bling's magical day. :( Toys 'R Us has it on sale until next weekend, marked down from $500 to $249. However, I just realized that shipping & handling is also $249. And then there is tax. So, I guess we're back to plan a, which is to redo her room. The discount on Flor tiles continues through next weekend. I'm interested in giving experiences this year, rather than stuff. Brett thinks this is overly idealistic but he is signed on for a season of cutting back. Anyway, it is midnight. I'm going to hit the hay and read Last Child in the Woods. I'll update my facebook profile tomorrow!

Milk

"Juice, juice, milk" is how Bela says good morning, and throughout the day it is a constant refrain. So tonight I had heard "milk" for the umpteenth time and thought I would play a punk song from my misspent youth called, appropriately enough, "Milk" by Dahlia Seed. If you visit the blog Dead Vinyl you can listen to it. The kids had a TON of FUN dancing around the living room.

Griffin enjoyed the hockey clinic last Friday. Check out the photo that CCHA is using in the promotional email. Yep, that's my G! He looks like a toothless goalie, no? :)

I'm reading two great books right now: What Kindergarten Teachers Know and The Trouble With Boys. The premise of the second book is that school has become an inhospitable place to boys. The problems begin to be chronicled after fourth grade, when reading and writing slips below the level of girls, despite equal scores on IQ tests. The problems start much earlier, however, because of the ways in which boys learn. Another problem that the book addresses (I think, I just picked it up today so I'm not that far along) is the lack of male teachers. One of the advantages, in my opinion, of Eastminster is that both Bela and Griffin have (had) great male teachers. I know that it made a difference to Griffin, who asks almost every day when Brett (same name as his dad, what a coincidence) can come over to take care of him. I think it is really good for my kids, at least, to see men as nurturers. I think they are better off for this exposure.

I also just finished reading the eighth and latest book in the Number One Ladies' Detective Agency series. Mma Ramotswe is my hero!

Anyhoo, I went to a new yoga class tonight. The teacher's name is Vickey and I had hoped that she was my first-ever yoga teacher. She was not, but it was a nice class. Not an ass kicker, which is good. No OM, no pranayama. But she did get me to stretch in some new ways, and she kept encouraging us to stop resisting, which is a good lesson to remember. Anyway, if Obama doesn't win in two weeks, I am going to have to do A LOT of yoga.

Photos to Come

So, it's been nearly a month since my last Jolly Mama post. I haven't actually been busy, just taking care of business. Last night, for example, I baked cookies for Bela's classroom (she is Star of the Week) and made green "alien" Jell-o for Griffin's last day of aftercare. I'll pick both kids up at 3:30 henceforth every day (until today, Griffin was at Eastminster on Wednesday and Thursday while I waited an appropriate amount of time to go pick them up) and Bela will be home on Fridays. It's rather sad to say goodbye to Griffin's teachers, and I know that enrollment is down, but I'm also quite pleased that my November bill is only $601. I am also now all signed up to volunteer in Griffin's kindergarten classroom. He loves kindergarten, especially art class, where the teacher said that he "lights up." Life is good. A few other quick highlights before my bathing beauties come out and expect a good night story: Griffin may have a little crush on a young actress named Miranda Cosgrove from a "tween" show called iCarly. Check out her adorable MySpace page. She was also the little sister on Drake & Josh and was the smarty pants girl in the movie School of Rock with Jack Black. Griffin is going to a hockey clinic tomorrow night. I'll take lots of pictures! He had to write an essay about why he likes hockey in order to be selected. His said that he likes the cold and he wants to be a winner like the Red Wings. :) Last Friday, Brett, Griffin, and I went on a "date" to see City of Ember, a fantastic movie! Bela's made her way out to the couch now. She has a blankie and a baby doll. She has developed so much personality and her language is taking off. And, although they can turn on me in an instant, I have been impressed recently by how nice they are to each other. Specifically, Griffin circled some books that he wants from Scholastic but he also circled books that he thought Bela would like. Then this morning Bela snuck some cookies off the counter from the batch for her class. Not just one, but one for her and one for her brother. :) I found a great website today called babble.com which was linked from an NYTimes story about "unkindergarten." It's one of those "where have you been all my life" sites. Two things about me: since I'm not going to work tomorrow I might stay up to watch what David Letterman does to John McCain tonight and my three favorite catalogs are Boden USA, VivaTerra, and Chasing Fireflies. Okay, Griffin is asking me 101 questions while he does his homework. Time to go. He's got to finish it before he can play a video game. !Egad! He loves Lego Batman.

Overheard

I am still sitting at the breakfast table. Griffin and Bela went to my room and are jumping on my bed. I just heard G say to B, "This is fun. We should do this more often!"